


How I Met Your Pirate

by Chroniclerofthelosttales



Series: Good Things Come to Those Who Wait [3]
Category: How I Met Your Mother, Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: #HIMYMfarewell, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-12
Updated: 2014-04-27
Packaged: 2018-01-15 12:25:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1304827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chroniclerofthelosttales/pseuds/Chroniclerofthelosttales
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So our dear Captain walks into a bar, or pub really, and not just any pub. To be more specific its called McLarens Pub. And maybe it's here he will find a way to get back his Swan...or perhaps things will just get a lot worse</p><p>Who am I kidding!? Things will definitely get a lot worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. MacLaren's

**Author's Note:**

> This is a humor piece compared to the other stuff in the series but it would still fit in the same timeline. Only the HIMYM timeline is just so crazy so I'm going to mix everything whichever way I want to...because I can. In this story Barney and Robin are engaged and Ted still lives in the same apartment as Marshal and lily above the bar because things are better this way.

A thousand times over Hook relived the moment his beautiful Swan answered the door. And a thousand times again he grimaced when he remembered the door slamming shut in his face, and other unpleasantries besides. He had known she wouldn't remember him. But he didn't know it would hurt this much, the way she had looked at him like a stranger- and treated him accordingly.

            Now he wandered the streets of New York, not knowing where to turn to next, having lost himself in the disorienting city. All he knew was he needed something to drink. Now. Unfortunately his flask of rum was out of the question. By now it had been significantly depleted to nothing.

            Glancing around he found a place that seemed to suit his purposes. Across the road, to his left, a green sign read "MacLaren's Pub" in gold letters. _At least there's one reliable thing in this bloody awful place_ , Hook thought as he made his way down the steps and past the stained windows, only pausing to read a curious sign that read "No boogie boarding," wondering what it could have meant. Shrugging Hook pushed open the door, deciding it was well past the time for that much needed drink.

 

            "Four score and seven years ago...," Barney started to say, looking off into the distance and twirling a fake moustache.

            "Barney," Ted sighed, "I don't want to hear another one of your fake history lessons."

            "But this ones a classic!" He yelled, raising his arms dramatically.

            "Whoa! Guys! Get a load of this." Lilly nodded over to the door where a leather clad man had just sat himself down at the bar counter with a dejected sigh.

            " Hell-o sailor!" Robin said earning a glare from her fiancé.

            " Ted, is there some kind of comic convention today?" Marshal asked excitedly, waving his hands at his friend, unfazed by the way Lily and Robin seemed to be smitten with the stranger.

            "Hold on buddy, I'm checking." Ted said as he pulled out his phone.

            "Oh, pah-lease!" Barney exclaimed. "This isn't for some lame nerd fest. He's obviously read my blog. I call this play, the Captain Hook-her. Get it? Huh, Huh? It's fantastic! Interpret that as many ways as you like." he said, raising his arm for a high-five.

            "Dude, nobody reads your blog." Marshal told him. "There's obviously some kind of really awesome convention and Ted and I are missing it."

            "Yeah, sure. That's the reason. And next your going to tell me they're sending robots to Mars." Barney Scoffed.

            "Where've you been? They did that ages ago." Lilly commented.

            " I'm not so sure about this Expo. Can't find anything." Ted sighed, still scrolling through his phone.

            "I'm telling you. This is definitely one of my plays." Barney reassured them.

            "I don't think so." Marshal pointed to him, "Look, he's not even talking to girls. Plus, were like the only ones here!". (A quick glance around the room proved that the only other people in the bar were Carl behind the counter and an older Chinese couple arguing in a corner.)

            They all turned to look at the pirate guy, who seemed to be staring thoughtfully into an already near empty glass.

            "It's all part of the plan." Barney lied as he turned back around, his voice filled with uncertainty. "The ladies like the mystery."

            "Got that right." Lily whispered to Robin, snapping her fingers.

            "I think, you're wrong." Marshal said, leaning over the table.

            "Nooo. You're wrong." Barney laughed nervously, shrinking into his seat.

            "Wanna make that a bet?" Marshal asked threateningly, twirling his fingers in front of Barney's face.

            Beads of sweat began to form on Barney's brow as he looked back and forth between Marshal, his hand, and the stranger, simultaneously rubbing his cheek, already feeling the familiar sharp sting.

            "Fine!" he said grudgingly, holding out his hand to shake.

            "A gentleman's agreement!" Robin and Lilly shouted, dubbing themselves the slap-bet commissioners.

            As one the group rose from the table and approached the leather wearing stranger.

 

            Hook swirled the drink around in his glass, watching the singular cube go round and round again. Similar to his whirring thoughts he mused; getting nowhere and diminishing every moment. Downing the last of his drink he set down the glass and motioned to the bartender for another when a blonde man slid smoothly up to him, followed by an entourage of four others. They didn't seem threatening, but it would be lying if he denied that their close proximity didn't bother him, especially that of the blonde one who seemed to not have heard of personal boundaries.

            "So what's with the pirate suit?" he asked, casually leaning on the counter, "Come here to pick up girls using a trick you could have possibly read in a really awesome blog written by someone who's name rhymes with Larney Linston?" he said in a rush, seeming to direct the question to the others around them as well. Hook blinked in confusion, careful not to let it show and was relieved when the rather tall man spoke instead.

            "Dude, your totally wrong. This is for a convention isn't it- Good sir?" he ended awkwardly with an almost-salute.

            Hook sized them up. They seemed harmless enough, and they came to speak with him. Interesting. Perhaps they could be of use to him...

            "Sorry mate, but I don't understand what either of you are talking about."

            The two men looked at each other unsure of who wins the bet. "So who wins?" Barney asked the women. Robin and Lily turned around and whispered to each other urgently, and when they turned back they had disarming grins on their faces. 

The resounding sound of a smack even had hook grimacing.

            "So if you're not here to pick up girls why are you here wearing that?" Ted asked him, ignoring the other two men who were starting to tear up and whimper as they rubbed their burning faces.

            "Bloody hell! Do I have to have a reason to dress like this?" He downed the rest of his drink in one swig. Maybe these people couldn't be of use to him after all. They were clearly insane.

            Then the red haired maiden stepped closer to him with narrowed eyes and gave her a dashing grin. "See something you like love?" he asked her.

            "Where's the poop?" she asked, serious.

            "Excuse me?" He was confused. These people were strange indeed if they thought he would carry around waste with him.

            "You're hiding something." She said, wagging her finger, studying him closely. "You're looking for someone. You _are _here for a girl!"__

            Hook looked at her, a little surprised by her uncanny insight. He took another swig and stared at his empty glass, reminded of his failure.

            "Aye, that I am." he said solemnly, his heart in his throat.

            The red head smiled, "I knew it!" she said, laughing at Barney and Marshall.

            "Alas, my circumstances are rather unfortunate. I-" he stopped before he could finish his thought, wondering why he was telling this to strangers. He thought maybe it was the fault of the small girl. For some reason he felt like she would be a person to tell your woes too and would be completely capable of fixing them. She was almost, _almost _fairy like.__

            "Oh! Story time!" Barney clapped, and they all seemed to shrink in closer to him.

            Hook raised his eyebrow. Like a true pirate he was privy to secrecy on personal matters, or any matters, but being in a strange land where no one knew him he didn't seem the harm in telling them. And while he usually wasn't the kind to tell anyone about his life story these people made him want to share something. He still blamed it mostly on the red head. And if anyone could help him it would have to be someone from this world anyways, and they seemed like willing enough people.

            "Alright." he said, turning to face them. "That is, provided you have the time. It's a rather long tale." He expected them to back out of the agreement but was a little taken aback when they glanced at each other and started laughing.

            "Dude. It's not even nine and we're already spending our day in a bar. We got nothing but time!" The tall one replied.

            "True enough." Hook agreed. "Well might as well get comfortable. It's quite an intriguing tale...."

 

            They were all sobbing. Hook was unsure of what to say as he sat at the edge of the booth, and so he just let them continue as he drank his beer.

            "That was so beautiful." The man with the messy brown hair -Ted, he learned- sobbed on his shoulder. "And the way you used the beanstalk as a metaphor to describe how you overcame each other's emotional walls and insecurities was just - Brilliant!"

            "That's it!" Barney stood up and dashed away a tear he had passed off as dust in his eye. "We're gonna help you get that girl! I'm going to come up with the best play ever. I call it-"

            "No." Hook interrupted. "No trickery. When I win her heart-" He hadn't finished when Lily hugged him with racking sobs- again. He sighed. These people were much to clingy for his taste. But he accepted it. If only to get him a step closer to his Swan.


	2. Doppelganger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who does Emma look like again? Oh that's right. Zoey. And Zoey was married to a man called "The Captain."....Hmmm...

            Hook set a brisk pace as he walked down the busy streets with his new crew in tow. "Not far now." He called back to them, ignoring their discussion of subways, taxis, and special tricks to get them their faster. His step had more of it's usual swagger than before and soon enough he had found the right building. He smiled, hope fluttering in his chest because he knew his Swan not far off.

            "Ah, here we are." He waved his arms toward the gate in a grand gesture. "She lives near the top. Room 311." He said as their eyes followed his hand.

            "Nice area." Robin said scoping out the place.

            "Right." Hook replied, "Well shall we begin?" He said as he began to head towards the gate.

            "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" Marshall started.

            Hook turned to him with an impatient sigh, "What is it mate?"

            "You can't just go in there without a plan. Otherwise the same thing is going to happen again!" Marshall gestured downwards, below the belt.

            "He's right." Lily said, her eyes narrowing dangerously as she twisted her hands in front of her face, "We need to make a plan, find her weaknesses and use them against her!" she seemed quite excited about the prospect.

            Hook's fingers tapped against his belt as he regarded the deceivingly innocent looking redhead with a raised eyebrow. "That's well and all, only my purposes are not to make her feel weak. The opposite, in fact." He glanced through the gate behind him, drawn by a curious feeling. "And I suggest you hurry up with that plan because she's heading this way."

            Emma had just exited the building and didn't notice the group of people who scattered like ants in the rain as soon as she made herself present.

            "I don't understand. Why are we hiding?" Hook asked, irritated as they dragged him around the corner in their flight. He didn't hide. It wasn't his style and he associated it with cowardice, and he was not a coward.

            They didn't notice his question but collectively gasped when Emma left through the gate.

            "Whoa-" Marshall

            "That-" Lily

            "Looks-" Barney.

            "Like-" Robin

            "Zoey." Ted breathed, his hand coming to rest over his heart as he staggered backwards, his mind reeling.

            "It's-" Marshall

            "The-" Lilly

            "Sixth-" Barney

            "Doppelganger." Robin finished.

            "Doppelganger?" Hook scowled, looking them up and down. He really had no idea what these people were saying half the time. And the way they could finish each other's sentences was just uncanny.

            "She look's exactly like someone else we know -but without the stupid hats...and she seems to like plaid." Robin gave him a short explanation as she gestured to Emma. He nodded, not quite sure if he understood.

            "Alright. I'm going in." Barney said, going into recon mode. He stood straight to adjust his tie and suit before stepping out casually to approach his target with the face of a wild cat on the prowl. "Daddy's home!" 

            "Wait, I wouldn't do that if I were you mate!" Hook unsuccessfully tried to stop him.

            "I'm sure he'll deserve whatever is coming to him. " Marshal said hiding a snicker, and they decided to all stand by and watch whatever tragedy was about to unfold with unrestrained amusement.

            Ted took advantage of the distraction to slowly inch away to the background and pulled Robin along with him to engage in a mental conversation. One glance at Mosby's crazed face and she knew what he was up too.

            _No Ted. You cant do this!_ Robin thought.

            _But I have too! Don't you see? It's my second chance._ He thought back to Robin with crazy eyes.

            _She's not Zoey, Ted._ She tried to mind reason with him.

            _I know but-_ Ted started to complain.

            _Listen here Mosby, she isn't yours. You cant go after this girl!_

 _But-_ He tried to interrupt

            _Don't you see what's happening? Your repeating yourself! Haven't you learned anything about dating women with kids? Remember Stella? Not to mention this girl's got her own "Captain"! Come on Ted!_ Robin thought she had made fair points and watched as Ted fidgeted and squirmed under her strict gaze.

            "Fine! You win!" He whispered angrily.

            They turned back as they heard a commotion from the rest of the gang and joined them to see what all the noise was about.

            Barney came staggering back with his hand clutched over his nose, almost falling against their feet.

            "Ow, She punched me in the face!" He whimpered.

            "I told you not to go mate." Hook couldn't help grinning. "She is quite fond of that." He couldn't be described as anything other than proud of his Swan, a fighter as always.

            "That's so hawt." Robin said, twirling her hair and blushing like a school girl, distracted by Barney's bleeding nose.

            "I know." He winked at her, puffing his chest as he leaned dramatically against the wall.

            "Well I suggest we get back to your bar and come up with an actual plan." Hook said with annoyance, rolling his eyes at the two.

            Luckily his new crew readily agreed and they soon sat at their usual booth, throwing out (ridiculous) ideas that Hook rejected almost immediately. He took another swig of what they called Scotch and tried to hold his patience. Luckily, after centuries of living in Neverland he had become quite adept at that.

            For all their getting nowhere he thought that things couldn't get much worse then they already were. That was until he heard Marshall mutter something next to him.

            "Hey, Where's Ted?"

            The group looked around and saw that Mosby was indeed no where to be found and that they hadn't heard from him since they had run in with Zoey's doppelganger.

            "Oh hell no!" Robin slid out of the booth and stood up, grabbing her belongings.

            "Do you mean-?" Lily asked, catching on to her thoughts.

            "Yup." Robin replied.

            "No, he didn't!" Marshall exclaimed.

            "Hey remember that time-?" Barney laughed.

"What do you mean?" Hook demanded. By this time he was just about ready to trade this group for the Charmings. Hell, he'd even take Rumplestiltskin.

            "Oh, um..." Robin stammered, trying to explain. "Well....how to put this gently?"

            "Ted is gonna make a move on your girl!" Barney said cheerily.

            They all hurriedly stepped back as far as they could, expecting an explosive response.

            Hook didn't move but sat ridged over his glass and gave a wicked grin, his eyes growing dark and dangerous. "Oh, he's going to wish he hadn't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh... Ted what did you do? Better watch your back or else you might find a hook in it!!!


	3. Teddy Westside

Ted backed up slowly once Barney came staggering back with his bloodied nose. This was just the distraction he needed to get away. He took a couple more steps just for good measure and once he was sure his friends wouldn't hear him he bolted down the street and slipped into an ally that would take him the same way Emma had disappeared too.

            He managed to trip over a trashcan and knock over a vendor's cabbages before he caught up to her.

            Ted paused, unsure of how to approach this girl without getting punched. He took a deep breath and stepped up to her from behind, hoping he looked more confident than he felt.

            Emma turned around when she felt a tap on her shoulder, finding herself face-to-face with a man with dark wild hair, sporting a tan jacket that had elbow patches. He looked like a professor.

            "Can I help you?" She asked, not unfriendly but rather curious, noticing the strangers nervousness.

            "No. I mean yes. I like your jacket. I mean- I'm Ted Mosby, architect." He reached out to shake Emma's hand before he started babbling again. "But sometimes my friends call me T-dog, or Shmosby, or Teddy Westside, or - you know what, I'm just going to stop talking now." He felt his cheeks go red.

            "Well, I'm Emma Swan." She replied, eagerly removing her hand.

            She had enough of crazy guys today. _First the dude with the leather fetish, then the guy who claimed to have a magical....ugh... and now this loony professor? Why can't I get charming guy like Han Solo? Or Wesley?_

"So I was wondering if maybe, I don't know, you would go on a date with me tonight?" Ted continued with his signature hopeful head tilt and shrugged shoulders.

            Emma had already started to give him a sympathetic smile and was shaking her head but Mosby wouldn't quit there. "Look I know this really great place. It's called McDonald's. Maybe you've heard of it? I'll even bring the coupons!"

            Oh. So he was that kind of those guys. The ones who made up lame jokes and judging by his professorly appearance she bet he even read poetry in Latin. "I'm sorry. You seem really nice but I can't. I..." she started to say but was distracted by a beep on her phone that notified her of a police update. She pulled it out and read the message, only half listening as Ted asked her to give him a chance, even offering to take her on one of his famous two minuet dates as a trial.

            She glanced between her phone and him, her eyes calculating and dark with the thrill of the hunt. This was her man.

            "...and if you really don't like the two minuet date, I swear I will never bother you again." Ted finished his speech, unaware that her smile was one to beware.

            "You know what?" She asked. "Maybe I will go out with you. Meet me here around seven?"

            "That would be great!" Ted exclaimed, looking a little to eager.

            "Yeah, well, see you later then." Emma said before stepping away.

            "Great! Bye!" Ted yelled out before heading back, smiling and singing the words "I got a date!" to himself over and over again.

            He stopped by a flower shop and spent twenty minuets picking out the perfect bouquet before going to his apartment, forgetting all the trouble that was awaiting him until he had reached the front door of the building.         

           

After the gang's revelation about Ted's intentions, Hook stood up and made it to the door in a few long strides, pulling it back to step blinking into the sunlight, his crew following closely at his heels.

            Almost immediately he saw Ted at the top of the building's steps, frozen like a deer the moment he knew he had been spotted.

            "You." Hook snarled, pointing to him with his gloved hand, his good one reaching for a cutlass that wasn't there.

            "I can explain!" Ted said, raising his hands in defense and dropping the flowers in the process.

            "Tick-tock then." Hook growled before racing up after him.

                        Ted shrieked and ran through the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you didn't catch it, the vendor and his cabbages was a tip of the hat to Avatar: The Last Airbender....just wanted you to know...


	4. Pineapple Incedent No. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you read "Lost, In New York" then: I told you there was a story behind that pineapple! It starts here...

Hook woke up early in the morning with a pounding in his head. He shifted, and feeling something poke his side he looked down to find a pineapple in the crook of his arm. _Strange_ , he thought, puzzled about why he was cradling a large fruit- and in a stranger's home no less.

            Then he remembered the people who were 'helping' him convince Emma that she wasn't who she thought she was and that the last thing he remembered was sitting at the bar with his temporary crew- and that Ted Mosby was no longer amongst them.

            "What in the bloody seven hells happened?" He grunted after a moment, propping himself up on the couch to survey the room.

            It was a mess. Bottles and food littered the floor. The door hung ajar and one of the windows was shattered, the glass splayed across the floor and the curtains that framed it seemed to be burnt. There was a weird smell in the air as well, and he thought he saw a small furry creature with wings and a rat tail dart into the hallway but quickly dismissed it as a fancy of his muddled brain.

            A groan alerted him of another person's presence and he distinguished the rest of his crew strewn about the floor, countertops, tables and halfway off the couch amidst all the rubbish.

            Slowly- and with much effort- the others began to wake, their eyes roaming around the room with confused and uncomprehending expressions.

            "Is that a pineapple?" Robin asked as she rose from her spot on the counter.

            "Why does my head hurt?" Barney moaned, hanging from the couch.

            "I think I know what happened here." Ted said, picking himself off the ground and doing his best to dust off his wet shirt. "The Mosby Boys are officially on the case!"

            Everyone groaned from their respective spots around the room.

            "Not again." Barney whined, before pulling an imaginary knife out of his pocket and stabbing himself in the heart.

            "And what is that?" Hook asked angrily from the couch, setting the pineapple aside. As far as he was concerned there was still a score to settle with this man but for now he would wait until the explanation was given in full before doing anything.

            "Don't encourage him." Marshall slurred as he popped up from behind him, almost immediately sinking back down with a solid thump.

            "My dear, Jones." Ted started, putting on a fake English accent. "It is no secret that the Mosby Boys are one of the top crime solving teams in all of New York! We-"

            "Whatever Mosby, just get on with it!" Lily cut him off as she hung over the coffee table.

            "All in due time, Lady Aldrin. First I must examine the evidence!" Ted said before he left to investigate every nook and cranny in the room with an exclamation of 'ah ha!' or 'interesting' every here and there.

            Hook rolled his eyes. There were things he needed to get back to that were much more important than this silly game.

            Ted came back to stand before his somewhat attentive audience with a pleased smile on his face. "After a thorough examination I have come up with several possible theories." He stopped for a dramatic pause, enjoying the way everyone leaned in for him to continue. He stood there a while longer to build the tension.

            "Are you going to go on or shall I give you a reason to hold your tongue?" Hook snapped. His threat paired with the irritated expression on his face seemed to have the desired effect.

            "As I was saying," Ted gulped, wary of Hook "There are many possible theories...and I'll start with this!"

            He held up one of the swords that usually hung over the piano. It's tip was covered in red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Muahahahaha! What will happen next? Even I'm not completely sure!...but don't worry I have several ideas.....why did I think making this really complicated was a good idea?


	5. Parlay!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The italics is what is happening present time as Ted tells the story in the apartment.

_"Oh my gosh there's blood on it!" Ted yelled before dropping the sword, thoroughly checking himself for any signs of a wound._

_"Ted, that's ketchup." Robin pointed out._

_Ted glanced back at the tip to confirm. "Of course it is." He nodded, more than a little embarrassed. "And as I was saying, this evidence clearly points to one thing. There was a duel here. Between two masters-"_

_"Two?" Hook grinned cheekily._

_Ted humped, "Fine. One." then continued in his dramatic monologue. " And I will gladly elaborate as to what has transpired- here- in this humble abode..."_

 

           

            "Open up!" Hook ran into the door of the apartment, determined to make Ted pay for his betrayal. For making advances on _his_ Swan.

            "Just let me explain it first!" Ted's muffled voice called from the other side of the door.

            The shuffling of feet made him turn and he was greeted by the sight of his crew turning the corner into the narrow hallway.

            "Never fear, Big Fudge is here!" Marshall grinned, brushing past Hook-who quirked an eyebrow at his statement- to unlock the door with a spare key.

            "No wait! Don't let him in!" Ted yelled, backing up to the farthest part of the room as they entered.

            "I suggest you start explaining if you value your life." Hook warned him with dark eyes.

           

            "Oh great! Lunch and a show!" Barney smiled, as he pulled hot dogs out of nowhere.

            "You got any ketchup?" Marshall asked, as they each grabbed one.

            "Yeah, here buddy." Barney took a bottle out from inside his jacket sleeve.

            Ted shrugged and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "I uh....you see...well...huh...its kind of a funny story." He started to stammer aimlessly, trying to come up with a lie that would save his skin.

            "Sorry mate, wrong answer." Hook growled as he started to move towards him.

            Ted's heart began to race and in his panic he made a bad move. A really bad move.

            In that brief second of horrible judgment he snatched one of the swords from the wall and pointed it towards Hook.

            "I'll fight you for her!" Ted yelled, his good sense returning the moment after the words had already left his mouth.

            Hook grinned, a darkness playing about his eyes at he expertly calculated his opponent. One glance at Ted's weak stance and already trembling arm told him it would be an easy victory.

            "Are you sure you want to cross blades with a pirate?" Hook took a step closer, his voice deadly.

            "He really has a thing for pirates." Lily whispered to Robin.

            "I know. If he didn't look so good in that I might start to worry." The brunette replied, looking Hook and all his swagger up and down, licking her lips as she did so.

            "I'm right here!" Barney said through a mouth-full of hotdog, the crumbs rolling down his crisp suit.

            Ted could feel his heart hammering against his chest. Beads of sweat rolled down the side of his face as he glanced uncertainly between the advancing pirate and the sword clenched tightly in his hand. "I uh..." he mumbled not knowing what to do.

            "I've given you an out. I wont do it again. But be warned, if you back out know you forfeit any chance with _my_ Swan." Hook told him.

            "It's a pretty fair offer," Marshall nodded to his friends.

            "I bet you 20 bucks Killian will win." Barney mumbled through another bite.

            "Barney, we can't make a bet if we all agree." Lily pointed out.

            "Lawyered!" Marshal commented before they got back to the spectacle.

            The sensible Ted would have taken Hook's offer. But again, the adrenaline and feeling of pure awesomeness that came with holding a sword brought out the worst side of his judgment.

            "Never!" He shouted, swinging the sword like a baseball bat.

            Hook neatly sidestepped the swing, grinning at the new development. "Poor choice mate."

            Ted swung again. Hook didn't back up, but stepped closer, ducking under the blade so that he came up behind him.

            "Bad form. Never turn your back to your opponent." He shoved Ted and reached for the sword still on the wall. It was weighted oddly, and certainly not of the best craftsmanship, but it would do.

            Ted recovered from the shove and with a cry of "En Garde!" he retaliated with an overhand strike, unprepared for the jarring clang of steel on steel. Hook easily parried the attack, his skills honed after years of swordplay.

            "Is that the best you've got?"

            Ted, never one to give up so easily when it came to a woman, began to slice through the air, (thinking he must definitely look like Jack Sparrow), each stroke sending a ringing clang throughout the room as steel met steel.

            Still, Hook parried each stoke with ease, laughing, toying with him as he watched Ted's movements with amusement. Certainly, he moved with grace that most people lacked, but his skills and tactics were wanting. His grip on the hilt was to tight- the reason he was tiring quickly- and his footing was definitely off keel -why each strike sent him tipping. But he would let him have his fun a little longer.

            They bounded across the room. On the table (that broke under their weight) and off and over the couch, everyone exclaiming whenever either of them did something cool.

            Then Hook decided to change tactics. "It's been a pleasure playing your little game mate, but I'm afraid I've got better things to do!" He shouted. It was about time he got back to rescuing his Swan.

            In a startling move he had switched from defensive to offensive, twirling so that his coat swirled magnificently around his legs. When their swords next met he quickly dispatched him, twisting his wrist in a complicated move down the blade, sending Ted's sword crashing through the window and onto the fire escape.

            "Do you concede or shall I rid myself of you now?" Hook asked, the tip of his sword a hairsbreadth away from Ted's throat.

            "That might be going a little to far with the pirate thing." Marshall commented.

            "Yeah, he totally needs a new thing." Robin agreed.

            "Whoa! Yeah! Parlay! I concede!" Ted shouted, backing up a safe distance, getting nearer to the open door. "But only after I go on my date!" he snatched the bottle of ketchup from Marshall's hand and hurled it at Hook, the distraction giving him enough time to make a dash out of the apartment.

            Hook's reflexes were quick, and with a flick of his sword he sent the bottle flying, cut neatly into two.

            "Nooo!" Barney yelled, horrified as his suit was splattered in red. "It was so young!"

            Hook hardly glanced back as he ran out the door. The chase was on -again. Or so he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now I'm hungry...I kinda want a hot dog.


	6. Intervention (Gone Wrong)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok this chapter might have to be bumped up to rated "T"....just sayin. And also the same rule applies to the italics as the last chapter.

 

            _"And that...is how it happened." Ted slammed the sword back down on the table, obviously proud of himself._

_"Congratulations. You just solved something we all witnessed." Hook rolled his eyes._

_"Hey, I worked hard to solve that!" Ted complained._

_"Here's an idea, why don't you tell us something we don't already know." Hook smirked. "Perhaps you could tell us how Emma-"_

_"Wait! Whoa! You can't just jump anywhere you like in the story! Tell me what happened here first." He said, gesturing to his left._

_Hook's gaze followed his hand and he peered into a smaller room where a large banner with red letters had been partially submerged in what they called the "porcelain throne"._

_Why it was called that he didn't know because what king would want that whirling monstrosity on their dais?_

_"Ah, yes, that. Can't you guess? I thought you had a knack for solving mysteries." he mocked him._

_"There's no need to be saucy!" Ted crossed his arms and pouted as his so-called friends snickered at him._

_"Fine. I'll oblige." Hook said, getting in to story mode. "Well, as you might have deduced with your fine skills -or not-, I immediately gave chase. However this dreadful city is so disorienting I soon lost track once you boarded one of those black vessels. Then I came back here where...that... was waiting for me." he gestured to the soggy sign._

 

            Hook came back disappointed and angry. However his frustration was momentarily forgotten when he pushed the door open to reveal a puzzling scene. The first thing he saw was a long, white banner that hung over the fireplace, the word "intervention" written in red over its surface. And he swore he could hear a sad melody playing in the air.

            "Welcome." said a voice, and he looked down to see his crew lined up with solemn expressions on their faces, each with their hands crossed in front of them, holding what looked like a letter in their grasp.

            "We've been waiting for you." Lily said in a monotone, whispery voice that he just had to admit was downright creepy.

            "What's this?" he asked, hand still on the open door, not sure if he really wanted to know.

            "Killian, this is an intervention." Lilly started.

            "It's about the pirate thing. It has to stop." Marshall continued.

            "It's just unhealthy, for you and others around you." Robin added.

            "Also, you keep taking all the - _my_ \- attention...and you ruined my suit with your pirate ways!" Barney pressed his hand to his mouth to hold back a sob "I'm sorry." He chocked out. then he turned around to press something on a black box and the music stopped suddenly. "But now that I've got all your attention I can do this!" He exclaimed, grabbing the front of his jacket. With a great flourish he tugged it of to reveal a new, clean suit underneath. "I've been wearing this for two weeks just for a chance to do that!"

            Hook actually looked somewhat impressed by his miraculous wardrobe change but he wouldn't give him the satisfaction of saying so aloud.

            "Really Barney?" Robin was clearly annoyed. "This isn't about you! It's about Killian and his pirate issues!"

            "I don't have pirate issues." Hook stated.

            "Of course you do!" Lily shouted, "I mean, nobody is that good at using a sword unless they practice _a lot_."

            "Interested in my sword are you?" Hook asked with a provocative raise of his eyebrow.

            Lily didn't hear him but continued, "And your voice, the way you talk in strange metaphors- half the words you use died centuries ago!"

            "You have a quandary with my voice?" he purred, edging closer to the two women, their cheeks reddening at his nearness.

            "And your clothes..." Lily tried to continue, blushing girlishly and nervously twirling her hair.

            "Oh? What's wrong with the way I dress?"

            "Nothing, its just that um..." Robin tried to explain but failed in her attempt.

            "You know," Lilly tried to continue with a breathy voice, running her finger along the lapels of his coat "It's all leather, and kinda tight, and its like your not even wearing a shirt, and it makes me wanna just, you know rip it off and..."

            "Your not even going to say anything?!" Barney asked Marshall, his face contorted with jealousy.

            "You can't argue with the truth!" Marshall replied as if it were a no-brainer.

            "But just look at what he's doing to Lily!" He argued.

            "I answer to a higher law! Besides, she's always had a thing for bad boys, it'll blow over once I remind her Big Fudge is here."

            "Yeah, right." Barney muttered, crossing his arms and turning away.

            Although Hook had liked the attention at first, being showered with the attention of these two women that were most definitely _not_ his Swan had begun to get a little unnerving. Particularly since they just kept getting closer and began to finger his buttons. Now how to get out of this situation?

            "Well this... _Intervention_ , as you call it, has certainly been interesting but may I suggest we continue my quest?" Hook asked, pushing their hands aside.

            "Right! The quest! Let's go!" Barney shouted, taking advantage of the situation and running out the door.

            "I admire his enthusiasm, but how are we going to find your friend? That is, assuming he will not be responding to that contrivance you are so fond of using to communicate amongst yourselves."

            "Oh I have and idea." Marshall smiled, crossing his arms and tapping a thoughtful finger against his cheek. "And I know just who to call."     

           

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who's he gonna call? Sadly, it's not the Ghost Busters. Anyone wanna guess?
> 
> Also... I might be taking a mini hiatus from this because I got other stuff to write too....but it will get done!


	7. Karma (Not the stripper)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I just watched the finale....I have to say I'm pretty depressed.........................................  
> On another note, this chapter is a salute to Izod, who really wanted this ending to happen.

_"I think I know where this is going." Ted interrupted Hook's story._

_"Oh, do you now?" He asked sarcastically, tilting his head. "Care to enlighten us?"_

_"Yeah Ted, enlighten away!" Marshall gave him a daring look._

_"Fine. I Will." Ted punctuated his words and took on a scholarly manner. "Well, as you all know, around noon yesterday I disappeared. But where too? Well, it will all be explained it its due time."_

_Hook rolled his eyes at Ted's attempt at being cryptic. "It all starts when I left the building, taking a secret path down a secret alley to a secret car that took me to a secret location where I-"_

_"Hold on Ted, for it to be "secret" nobody else can know about it. We know all about your "secret" location, and Killian followed you to that "secret" car. Is there anything about this that is 'secret'" Barney said, quoting at the appropriate times. The master story weaver was not impressed with his friend's story telling abilities._

_"Anyway," Ted continued, brushing off Barney's complaint, "once there, I found a phone book and after several attempts I finally called the right number and asked Emma to meet me for lunch instead. She agreed so I went to pick her up.."_

_Hook felt his heart leap at the mention of Emma, and he was glad of Robin's interruption that kept them from noticing the yearning in his eyes when he thought of her._

_"Hey Ted," she said, "It's great to know all this but your telling the wrong story. Get to the point!"_

_"Hold on Scherbatsky! There is a point, I swear! Now where was I? Oh, yes!" He exclaimed, pacing across the floor and tapping his finger tips together. "Now, from the moment I escaped in the car there had only been one person that knew what I was doing and had seen me with Emma. There was only one person who could have told you where I was and that person was..." he stopped talking to savor the tension in the room._

            The group stood at the foot of the building's stairs. Hook shifted uncomfortably where he stood. The strange looks he acquired from many a passersby was unsettling in the least, but he deflected his discomfort by flashing them his best grins or smirks until they decided to look away, either blushing or annoyed.

            "He should be here any minuet." Marshall said, speaking of the person he had mentioned earlier ago.

            Hook was skeptical of whatever assistance this new person could provide. So far, everyone here had proven to be anything but helpful.

            "Here he is!" Lilly pointed as one of the black vessels pulled up along the curb, its glass window rolling down as it came to a stop.

            "Heelloooo!" a dark skinned man peeped out from the porthole as he drawled out his greeting in a strangely accented voice.

            "Ranjit!" everyone exclaimed happily, clambering into the hold of the carriage. Hook was quick to follow suit and soon it had begun moving, joining the swarm of other vehicles on the road.

            "Ranjit, we need you to take us to wherever Ted went." Marshall said through the dividing window.

            "Sorry. He told me not to." The small man answered curtly.

            "This is important! A life or death situation!"

            "That's what Ted said." he replied. He was probably right.

            Marshall looked down for a moment, thinking of how to persuade the limo driver into giving away Ted's whereabouts. After a moments reflection he decided the best excuse was the truth and he prepared to talk to his favorite limo driver with the most serious face he could muster up.

            "Ted is deep, and I mean deep, trouble. That girl he's with is this man's" (he gestured to Hook) "other half -She just doesn't remember it because she has amnesia- and Ted can potentially destroy his chance at getting her back unless we stop him. So will you please take us to Ted before that happens?"

            "Ok. Following Ted." Ranjit said immediately, quickly changing direction of the vehicle. He was a believer of true love after all, and he knew Ted's issues only too well. There was no way this was going to end in a good way.

            "Here we are." He stopped the limo in front of a restaurant. The sign read "Carmichael's" and Hook couldn't help but notice that his crew all groaned as they read it.

            "Is there a problem?" He asked, eyeing them curiously.

            "It's-this place." Robin gestured to the building.

            " It's where 'Pulling a Ted Mosby' first started its development into the complete disaster that it is.... That was before Lilly and I got married." Marshall said as if he were remembering something fondly.

            "Technically that all started at the bar." Lilly corrected him.

            " A Ted Mosby?" Hook asked, wondering if there was a long tale behind this.

           "Pulling A Ted Mosby." Barney said, reading off his phone, "which is to chase off an potential love interest by telling him or her that you love them too soon."

            "Well who did he do that too?" Hook asked curiously.

            "Me, that was me." Robin said, waving her hand.

            Looking at where everybody now was -married, engaged... still single (and stealing 'taken' women)... This was definitely a long story.

            Hook shook away this nonsense of the past and moved closer to the window, attempting to peer in. "Well are they in there or not?"

            Everyone smashed their faces against the window to get a better look.

            "There!" Robin pointed to a table near the back. A blue French Horn covered in heavy chains hung on the wall beside them.

            Hook tried to absorb everything he was seeing. Emma Swan. She was... laughing? A cold feeling wrapped around his rugged heart. He had not yet been able to achieve this milestone, and for this man to share that blissful moment with her? It was wretched in the least. He longed to hear the chiming bell sound of his Swan's laughter.

            "Let's go get Ted." he heard one of his companions say, though it seemed to come from a great distance.

            "You go on ahead, I'll wait here." Hook said, leaning against the door frame as the others filed in. They turned back with questioning looks.

            "Emma can't see me. Not yet." If he showed himself now, with no plan of what to say to her, she might never listen to him again. Thankfully the gang seemed to understand and continued on in, determined to recapture their friend.

            "Let's do this." Barney said, brushing past the waitress asking for reservations and turning down the hall with his fingers brandished like a gun. He stopped in surprise at the commotion before him.

            In the minuet since they had seen Ted and Emma laughing through the window things had gone terribly wrong. They weren't laughing anymore.

            Ted was yelling hysterically, shouting that he had no idea what was going on and he didn't do it and it was all a lie as Emma twisted his arm in a tight grip to pin him to the table and another woman tightly secured him with handcuffs.

            "Ted!" they yelled, and rushed in to the rescue, or so they thought.

            Emma glanced up as the others rushed in to help, trying to pull their friend away from the fray.

            "Arrest them." she said, speaking to other cops that were on stand-by around the restaurant.

            Lilly and Robin were handcuffed as they spat out insults and ridiculous threats. Barney was tackled as he tried to make a run for it, falling with an audible umph!

            "You can't contain me!" he yelled as the cop secured the cuffs around his wrist, and immediately pulled his hands apart so the cuffs fell to the ground with a clink. "Ta-da! Thank you all! You can find me at MacLaurens!" He shouted before being tackled once again.

            "I demand to know the charges!" Marshall shouted as his hands were secured tightly behind him.

            Emma slowly walked over to him, her hands on her hips and a triumphant smile on her face. "You're under arrest for interfering on official business, and he." she looked at Ted, "Is under arrest for the harassment of the cop Jeanatte Peterson."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Muahaha! Well how did that happen?   
> Also, sorry it took so long to get back. I've been a busy bee but now I'm back to my regular writing schedule. Hope you enjoy this! (more than that finale anyways...I might cry.)


	8. Of Dahmers and Doblers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. I've been busy. And anyone else still upset about the HIMYM finale? Cuz I am. Anyways, here it is! Enjoy!

_"  I told you she was a total Dahmer." Marshall crossed his arms as he glared at Ted, who, to his credit, received the accusation without resentfulness._

_"I mean, I just still can't believe she did that." Ted sighed, thinking of his crazy ex- girlfriend Jeanette._

_"Really? You can't believe she did that?" Barney asked incredulously. "May I remind you that this is the girl who not only blew up the playbook, but also stalked you for like a year, destroyed your room, set your red boots on fire - actually that last one was a good call." They all shrugged at nodded in agreement._

_"Yeah, I guess your right, I totally should have seen this one coming." Ted said, running a hand through his messed up hair._

_"Pardon me, but I actually missed that part of the -adventure. What exactly happened there?" Hook asked, upset that he missed seeing Emma take down these...buffoons._

_"Well remember when I said I asked Emma to meet me for Lunch?" Ted started._

_"Aye." Hook growled, still a little upset._

_"Well..."_

Emma walked out through the gates, her heels clunking against the solid ground until she came to a stop at the sidewalk where she stood, waiting with her hands stuffed in her pockets.

            Hardly a minuet had passed when a black limo came to a stop in front of her and a mop of messy brown hair popped out of an open door.

            "Emma!" He exclaimed as if he were relived that she was actually here, climbing out of the car and standing in front of her, awkwardly trying to decide between a handshake or a hug before opting to just shrug with his hands in his pockets.

            "That's me." Emma forced herself to smile and tapped her hand against her leg in an awkward gesture when several moments went by without either of them saying anything.

            "Sooo...." Ted started, and Emma prompted him to continue by raising her eyebrows. "Shall we go?" He held open the door for her.

            "Why not?" she replied before sliding in.

            "Hellooooo!" a voice sounded from the front seat.

            "Um, hi." Emma replied as Ted closed the door behind him. "So where are we going?" she asked eagerly.

            "Well I thought maybe we could stop for brunch at-"

            "Brunch?" Emma asked. _People actually eat brunch? That's still a thing?_ "I thought brunch was exclusively for people over sixty-five and cat ladies on a date with an over-read copy of Pride and Prejudice ." She commented with a scoff.

                       Ted opened and closed his mouth repeatedly without any sound coming out. He _loved_ brunch, and that was a great book, thank you very much.

            "Yeah, no, your right." He said, deleting said book from where it was saved on his phone. "It's a little late for that anyways. Carmichael's for lunch then?"

            "Sound's great." Emma said, pulling out her phone and sending a quick text: Carmichael's. Now.

            "So why lunch? What happened to dinner?" She asked curiously. Could he possibly have some dark motive she needed to know?

            "Well you know what they say- The sooner the better." He shrugged. Emma narrowed her eyes. It wasn't a real answer, and it wasn't something she could actually analyze as a lie or not. "And also I thought I might not live long enough to make it till dinner time." He added.

            Ah, there it was. And it didn't feel like a lie. Still, his confession was just confusing at best. "Why? Borrow money from the wrong guy? Sleep with his wife? Ruin his business by letting an insane goat loose in his restaurant? - It's not as crazy as it sounds- believe me, I've seen it all."

            Ted shivered at the mention of a crazy goat. "Not quite, and believe me, you haven't seen crazy until some dude dressed as a pirate tries to hack your head off with a sword because he can't handle a little competition. " He huffed as he crossed his arms.

            "Wait. What?" Emma's head snapped to him. "You know him?"

            Ted stiffened. He wasn't supposed to say anything about Killian, plus, she might think he was a total creeper.

            "Psh, no. No. No. No. No." he laughed nervously. "It was just some dude I ran into at a bar. I guess he saw me ask you out and he really did not like it. At all." He said, raising his hand to his neck as he imagined the sword that had been held against it.

            He was a bad liar. Emma thought she wouldn't need her superpower at all to be able to tell if he was lying. She gave him a hard stare as he shifted nervously under her gaze, tapping his knees and intently studying the seat if front of him.

            "So, you know this pirate guy?" He asked to change the focus of the conversation, even though he already knew the answer.

            Emma blinked and decided there was no harm in telling him. "No, he just- appeared outside my apartment, started saying really weird things, kissed me - so I, uh, closed the door on him- and now it seems like he's stalking me and anybody who asks me out on a date." she finished, turning to him, hoping he didn't see the slight flush of red that had invaded her cheeks when she mentioned the kiss.

            Ted assumed a horrified expression, as if he had never heard the tale before. "Whoa, that's just- esh! I can't even- I mean. What a total Dahmer!" he finished.

            "A Dahmer?" The words left Emma's mouth before she could stop it and just agree with whatever he said.

            "Yeah, you know, the Dobler-Dahmer theory?" He asked, only to be met with her quizzical expression. "Ok well, let me explain. If both people are into each other, then a big romantic gesture works: Dobler, but if one person isn't into the other, the same gesture comes off serial-killer crazy: Dahmer. For example, I had this girlfriend, Jeane-"

            "Were Heeree!" Ranjit called, rolling down the divider window.

            Emma was slightly relieved. This guy really seemed like a major talker.

"Oh thanks Ranjit!" He called, helping Emma out before he rushed to whisper something in his ear.

            That was certainly suspicious. Good thing she would have him behind bars soon. Emma checked her phone, smiling when she found out that things were going as planned.

            "So why don't we go in?" Ted said, returning as the limo drove away.

            "Lead the way." Emma smiled.

            Carmichael's was a nice place. The tables were small and intimate with red table cloths and a small vase with bright carnations. It was a little splashy for Emma's taste but it balanced out the dimness in the room and the tacky blue French Horn on the wall that they were seated under.

            "Gesh. You'd think that they would be able to afford something that didn't look like it came out of a cereal box to decorate this place." Emma laughed, looking up at it. "And what's with the chains? It's not like a Smurf is gonna come steal it."

            Ted bit his tongue. He'd never hear the end of it if he pulled another Ted Mosby. Here. In this place. With the blue French Horn right there.

            "There's actually a really good story behind it -If I may say so myself. It's also another great example of the Dobler-Dahmer theory."

            Emma winced. Crap. She thought he had forgotten about it.            Good thing she was getting paid for this.

            "So it started in 2005....."

 

            _"No"! Ted's friend's shouted._

_"Whoa! What?" He jumped, surprised at their outburst._

_"Ted. Are you kidding me?" Lilly huffed._

_"No. What's the problem?" he asked defensively._

_"Ted. Ted. Ted. Ted. Ted." Barney tried to get his attention, pointing his two fingers between their eyes. "Look at me, Ted. What is my one rule?"_

_"Uh, never wear a brown belt with black shoes?" Ted guessed._

_"No, other one rule."_

_"Never pet a chicken?"_

_"No, other one rule."_

_"Always wash your hands before going back to work?"_

_"No, other one rule."_

_"Never ask a girl to lunch?"_

_"No, no!" Barney wagged his finger, smiling, "But you really should have listened to that one. Try again."_

_"Ugh, fine." He took a moment to think, "Never date a girl with a hook for a hand?"_

_"Um, Does that rule apply for guys too?" Robin asked, sneaking a peak at Hook as he was fiddled with his namesake, doing his best to not to fling it at someone as the story progressed._

_"For you it does!" Barney shouted, giving the pirate a glare._

_"Well I give up!" Ted exclaimed, throwing his arms over his head. "I cant keep up with all your 'one rules' Barney!"_

_"I may be but a simple pirate," Hook interjected, "But I assumed the point of having a 'one rule' is that it stays singular."_

_"Thank you!" Ted huffed as he turned his attention back to Barney._

_"Ted, in all my years as your best friend-"_

_"Marshall is my best friend." He corrected._

_"IN ALL MY YEARS AS YOUR BEST FRIEND, have I taught you nothing? Ted, my one rule is never give a girl your back-story. Unless it's fake. Always create interest. Make yourself a mystery. Nobody wants to hear your pathetic sob story, shmosby."_

_"Thanks for the advice." Ted rolled his eyes. "So anyways, where was I? Oh yeah. It all started in 2005 when-"_

_"No!" they all shouted again._

_"Sorry buddy." Marshal sighed, "But as your best friend-"_

_"I'm Ted's best friend!"_

_"I have to tell you that Barney is right. We don't want to hear it either. Can you just skip to the end where you got beat up by a girl?" He started laughing at the thought._

_"Fine." Ted obliged, "But I didn't get beat up by just a girl. There was also-"_

_"You're right you didn't get beat up by "just a girl"." Hook interrupted his sentence. "You got beat up by Emma Swan."_

            Emma's foot tapped against to floor, fighting to keep her calm and flirty composure as this guy blabbed his heart out. She was surprised his mouth had the energy to keep going.             Sighing, she thought about how things would have gone a whole different way if a robbery hadn't called away most of her force. And she would take down this "Ted Mosby" herself, only it was against orders. The report had labeled him as "extremely dangerous". A cop harasser. Stupid report. She could take him in a heartbeat anyday.

            "And that's how I met the Slutty Pumpkin." She dimly heard him say, laughing instinctively when he did but she was to distracted by a text to take much notice of what he was really saying.

            "It's on." The text read, and she took that as the signal to leap into action.

            "Oh, Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted." She smiled, shaking her head.

            "Huh, For some reason it makes me really nervous when you say my name over and over again like that." He half- laughed, shifting awkwardly in his seat.

            Emma reached over and patted his hand, standing up beside him as she did so.

            "Ted," She sighed, still smiling flirtatiously. "There's something I need to do."             Ted's eyes drifted closed as she slowly leaned forward with her golden hair cascading around her shoulders, fully expecting to feel warm lips brush against his as he lost himself in her-

            "You're under arrest." She whispered softly in his ear.

            Brown eyes flew open as Emma tightened her grip on his wrist, twisting his arm behind his back before pushing his face into his half eaten plate of Chicken Piccata with extra mashed potatoes and green beans "Broiled, not boiled, at 427 degrees for exactly 12 minuets and 27 seconds, with just a dash of sea salt, my good sir."

            "Whoa! Ah! What is going on!?" He yelped around the potatoes working their way around his face.

            "Shh! Don't talk with your mouth full!" Emma smiled, "Officer Peterson? Can you confirm that this is the man?"

            A blonde woman in a police uniform seemingly appeared out of nowhere, smirking at Mosby's unfortunate predicament.

            "Oh, yeah that's my- ahem- the man." She seemed almost giddy.

            "Great, then I guess my job here is done." She said, narrowing her eyes at the other woman's slip up. "Would you like to do the honors?" She asked, handing her a pair of handcuffs that she took gladly, and unrepressed smile blossoming across her face.

            "Wait! No! What? Jeanette? She's the Dahmer! Don't let her do this to me, I did nothing! It's all a lie!" Ted yelled as the cold metal tightened around his wrists.

            A ruckus sounded from the front of the restaurant and a gang of crazy looking people burst in. Emma figured they must be the mentioned accomplices in the report.

           "Arrest them."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any suggestions or more references I should add? There are so many possibilities that the ideas are leaking out of my ears in an overflow and its hard to contain them.


End file.
